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FELINE
RULES OF LIFE
DOORS
Do
not allow closed doors in any room. To get door opened, stand on hind
legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary
to use it. After you have ordered an outside door opened, stand halfway
in and out and think about several things. This is particularly
important during very cold weather, rain, snow or mosquito season. Swing
doors must be avoided at all costs.
CHAIRS AND RUGS
If
you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in
time, get to an oriental rug. If there is no oriental rug, shag is
good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so
that it is as long as the human's bare foot.
BATHROOMS
Always
accompany guest to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything.
Just sit and stare.
HAMPERING
If
one of your humans is engaged in close activity and the other is idle,
stay with the busy one. This is called "helping", otherwise
known as "hampering"
RULES FOR HAMPERING
A: When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel
of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of
being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.
B: For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes
and book -- unless you lie across the book itself.
C: For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the
most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least
the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out
and slap a pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to distract
you; ignore it; remember, the aim is to hamper work. Embroidery and
needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of what humans may
tell you;
D: For people paying bills or working on income taxes or Christmas
cards -- first, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch
sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll
around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability.
After being removed the second time, push pens, pencils and erasers off
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